I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
