A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
