I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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