Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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