i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
