I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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