respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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