You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
