Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
