you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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