Hey man sorry I got all grabby
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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