ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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