My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
