if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
