How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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