I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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