Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
