I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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