a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
