walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
