I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
