so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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