Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
