Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
