I haven't been this sober since birth.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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