Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Is it penis luge time yet?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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