Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
