The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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