My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
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