Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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