i was born a porn star she said
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You are the jesus of drinking
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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