I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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