Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
