Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
