My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The Olympian is in my bed
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
