i think i have two assholes
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
