I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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