so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
