a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Randomize
