ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
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once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
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I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation