I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
