and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
