Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
