I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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