I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Randomize
