You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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