Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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