so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
