Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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