I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
