I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
