How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
