Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
