last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
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