I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
