White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
