Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
