kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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