i wish my penis had a tongue
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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