I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
