I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
