Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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